You work so hard because you have a fear of ‘something bad is going to happen‘. Contrary to some medicine, which pathologize this fear to allow you a false sense of peace; I’m here to validate the fear and show a path forward despite it.

Introduction

I’ve been having sleeping issues (thus the title).

I don’t want to go to bed because I have a bunch of things I am working on and want to get done. I stay up because there’s a chance I might get something done if I do. News flash; I never do.

My natural jump is to call this behavior irrational, mimicking my sister, others I’ve spoke to, and those I perceive to be experts: I want to say something along the line of ‘you’d do better if you went to sleep and woke up rested to do the work‘.

But if you look at why I want to get this work done, you’d see my inclination is not irrational at all.

To start, capitalism. Which I grossly simplify to mean our current global economic system, one which seeks to put the means of production in private hands and maximize profits through exploitative means.

This economic system, in a heart beat, will put me on the streets if I don’t have money. It doesn’t ask if that’s the right thing to do, it asks if you have money.

And thus it’s not unreasonable to think not getting money will put me in the streets. And the work I’m doing will help me get money, so I should go do that work.

Next is my blackness. Black people are systemically discriminately against: incarcerated in higher rates, die at higher rates, are poorer at higher rates, and so on. I am not special. Stats show tragedy is more likely to befall me. I want to work so through prosperity and social justice means, I can get a more blunt end of an unblunt bat.

Next is my non-monogamous, trans, pansexual, asexual self. Media (TikTok, movies, magazines, and so on) doesn’t like us much. I’ve ingrained the idea that as a queer non-monogamous person, I will not live a socially fulfilling life and will be treated poorly by society in large. Like with my blackness, stats show tragedy leans towards me more, and I want to escape that through social justice work and prosperity.

I say ingrain because whether anything I say is actually true or not (most times it is), it’s still not unreasonable to think it.

We are not special, we are not specially immune to propaganda or have this immense capability to see outside of our biases. Thus you’re not stupid for listening (consciously and subconsciously) to what you’ve been asked to belief.

You’re not crazy for thinking people will be nicer if you fit the white able bodied beauty standard.

You’re not crazy for thinking having a car will boost your social standing as someone the world perceives as a man.

You’re not crazy for thinking you’ll live a better life by doing more things, even though this one is wrong because that’s not how one must define what a ‘better’ life is. It’s just our cultural waters have asked you to think that way.

Now What?

A quick summary of the main idea I’ve said so far: It’s not crazy to think life would be better if you followed society’s standard.

Let’s come to the worse conclusion (which again, is often right), that this is true. . . the now what is that despite not living a ‘better‘ life and despite the chances of bad things happening to you increasing — you can live a good life, and that’s enough.

What’s that? Like other readers, you’ve inevitably come to the thought of how to actually settle this in your soul? Well let me know when you figure that out.

All I am saying is acknowledge the system — that Black AMAB enby don’t have the same social capital for comforting as a white girl. But rather than leaning into it, turn the other way and start at least crawling if not running. If you do that, you’ll have a better chance of letting it settle.